Friday, March 20, 2015

goodbye, so long, farewell

Had our last music class for the season and went straight to the Lifetime to sign G up. We may take a break from music, depending on whether or not we start him in swim lessons. I am hesitant to stop the music classes now because he enjoys them so much and I can see everything he's learned, quietly observing, suddenly unfold. He sings, taps to the beat, smiles, and even gleams with recognition for a familiar song (goodbye song, little liza jane, etc.). How can I take that away? When one door closes, another opens. But why can't we just have 2 doors open? One word. Money. So we'll see. I'm anxious to see how he even does in the gym's daycare. I've been told firmly by two moms who waited to put their kids into LF daycare at one year old, that they're screwed and their girls absolutely refuse to go in. So 4 months later than I intended, I finally got my butt in there and signed him up, while he slept in the car with DM's mom and yet another blizzard commenced.

I spent my morning cleaning up more of my dog's waste than you could possibly imagine now that the snow was temporarily gone. Fencing in the yard was a blessing and a curse at the same time. The late afternoon came on fast and I kissed G goodbye w/ one foot out the door ready to run and treat myself to a manicure and quick massage.

Pumping at night has been stressful more than ever, frustrating and downright infuriating, as I am not getting even close to what I was getting for months consistently. In the past 3 nights alone, the amount has decreased significantly and truly nothing has changed. Or so I thought! Until just now, when I discovered this article and had an epiphany. Really half epiphany and half-asleep knowing the truth deep down all along but too ashamed to accept it, would be the truth. It's all my fault. The past few weeks, falling asleep on the couch, pumping at all different times into the night starting at 2am and moving to 6a when he wakes up in the morning has messed with my "magic number" and it all makes perfect sense now. Pumping in the morning and DM giving G a bottle of frozen milk meant that I cut out that whole night time pumping which led to decreased milk supply. I was cuing my body to slow down milk supply. And where I use to pump night after night at 11p and express 7 or 8 oz, it quickly turned into 6oz which I accepted because it not only wasn't increasing, but G also seemed to be sleeping fine with that amount each night. But then 6 became 5, last night it was 4.5 and now it's 3. My goal is to nurse until 18 months, but at this rate how? I am a SAHM with no time and no quiet room to sit in and pump during the day. I have a baby demanding my attention and the time it takes to pump seems unfathomable with what I already have in our schedule. I finally have found time to nurish myself on a regular basis and now feel like I may have to atarve again. I am being dramatic, I know. Part of my nature, I guee. I am not ready to say goodbye, so long or farewell to breastfeeding (despite the occasional bites I've recently endured). Advice welcome.

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