my heart is his to have

Ventured to Astoria to visit Nora Thursday morning. I somehow woke up way too early, with lots of energy. Fell asleep on the couch the night before at 1230a to pump, followed by washing a sink full of dishes and then had trouble falling asleep again until 2a! Tonight, I was running on four hours of sleep, after one adventure, clean floors and still so much more to do. My eyes so heavy, my house felt dirty and another battle to get what's most important done and not fall asleep, which is to pump (the bane of my existence)!!!

Our trip to Queens started off with a nap, awoken by a laugh he loves so dearly. Nora sat in the car to keep me company until he woke up (too soon). After a few minutes in her adorable 3rd floor walk up, he was exploring, laughing, yapping and flirting nonstop for hours. We all sat to enjoy our traditional apple oven-baked pancake I'd made the night before. Nora and I sat on her bed talking while G entertained himself and us by cruising along her bed, making the most energetic, pleasant sounding screeches you could possibly imagine. He was happier than I could ever describe in words. Busy with make shift toys, like an ELLE magazine and fold up pocket heart brush, the time was flying by too fast. Nora sang and played her ukulele. I danced with him and played some sick jams on her harmonica. Everything was carefree and beautiful. Her white walled bedroom was filled with sun while the sky was covered in a thick blanket of gloomy clouds. Neither of us wanted to leave, but after nursing him and the day nearing its end, I had a sleeping baby on my shoulder and rush hour traffic to beat. It was quick car ride home and he slept, and then slept some more in the driveway.

Today, we were barely home all day again. We fell asleep together in the morning, and to prove how not-a-morning-person I am, I almost bailed on free 3 hours of babysitting just to sleep longer with him. He ended up waking up though, and we had to hustle. The delivery came for the new TV downstairs which ate up too much time, leaving us with even less time to eat our breakfast! One scrambled egg cooked, 1/2 in his mouth, 1/8th on the floor and 3/8ths in his highchair seat later, we rushed upstairs to get dressed and get over to Sharon's. Nursed him there and ran out the door as fast as I could to get a quick manicure. I had more important things to do!! Clean. Less than 2 days later, every nail is either dented, smudged or covered in spray paint. Why do I even bother? I went home to begin my spring cleaning rampage and stretched every last minute of freedom I had before going back to the house. OCD, you don't have to tell me, I know. He was still asleep from a late nap when I got back, and woke up so happy shortly after. The smiles kept pouring out of him for Meury and Sharon. He's really bonded with them over the weeks and am just so grateful for the experiences he has there and the free time Sharon has given me. It's the greatest gift you can give a mother and constantly try to think of how I can ever repay her. Mommy brain. I'll offer to babysit and tell her to go out!! We stayed the entire day right up until dinnertime. He got smothered with undivided attention while C & D took their naps. Meury fed him his lunch (he LOVES my turkey meatloaf) and Sharon held him while he proudly put 6 consecutive blueberries into his mouth and looked around at each one of us with glimmering eyes! Once the twins woke up, he was glued to watching them race around with so much energy, which literally makes me dizzy. Having a slide inside seems the best way to keep a kid entertained! Wide yawns kept coming and it was clear as day that he was ready for his afternoon nap. I brought him up to Daniel's room, nursed him, he was falling asleep, set him down in his crib and he declared his objections louder than ever. Meury couldn't bare it while Sharon praised me for being strong. I let Meury go up and work her magic, and 10 minutes later he was asleep. I colored with Charlotte and drew shapes in whatever size and color she requested. After a short nap, before the day was over, we all went out for a late afternoon walk. Thinking it was what we all needed just wasn't so. For the past couple of walks, since G has been mobile, he's incapable of enjoying our strolls. With the warm weather coming, I am hoping this is one of his shorter phases. As long as he could see C & D, he was mostly ok. We were close to the playground, so we did what was supposed to be a very quick stop in to the swings. He was on cloud nine rejoicing, with his rosy cheeks and bright red nose, swinging so high. Since Charlotte negotiates so well, we all left after a while longer with their soaked tushies from the rain and Graham's testament against going back in his stroller. Calming him while holding him between the transfer from the stroller to the carseat only seemed like more torture, making him think it was all over, only to be strapped down to another seat. The walk was a mistake. Thank god we live less than half a mile away to get home from it all! Being home to see Charlie Bear and feeding him dinner was all he needed to make things right.

Everyone says that he has my nose and my lips, but I know that he has my heart too, emotionally and figuratively. It's warm, compassionate but not always understanding, forever forgiving, stubborn and completely miserable when things don't go his way. We both want what we want, when we want it and know how to make it known. Like a rubber band, we stretch ourselves thin with ambition, but can snap back to our original state from almost anything. The challenge, now that he has gained so much control and can go almost anywhere he wants on his own, at his own pace, is putting our alike hearts at a battle; each wanting what we want, we must find a compromise to settle. Obviously, with me as the adult, I am the one working harder to make the compromises. The rewards I am given when he gets what he wants make it the easiest fight to give up. I'll do whatever he wants (uh, within reason, of course! I AM still the boss and his mother!) for as long as I live. The battle is won and he has my heart, forever and ever.