Tuesday, March 17, 2015

mother's disclosure

One question. Why is Graham waking up earlier? I want him to sleep later!! We stayed in bed more than we should have today, but I was just so exhausted. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse has become a savior in desperate times. I still don't love him watching tv and never use it as a babysitter, but I am realizing it's pretty harmless, and if anything, it's beneficial because it's educational! Parents often reassure me just how ok it is when they tell me how much vocabulary their children learned from their tv shows. 

I fell asleep on the couch again all night. DM waking me to come up to bed is a fight he'll never win. I am not the type of person you really want to wake up and mess with. It can get kinda scary for the person on the other side. Since I fell asleep on the couch, I never pumped last night for tonight's bottle. I woke up to hearing Graham and jumped up to pump. I get in these routines that become a rut, and falling asleep on the couch seems to be the latest. DM gave him a bottle while I pumped and did last night's dishes. I absolutely hate waking up to dirty dishes, so this wasn't a great start to the day. The morning and early afternoon disappeared fast with me only half functioning. I feel like the worst mother on these days. All I needed was that morning nap time to come so I could catch up on a little sleep and I'd be good as new. The timing was a little weird today because we fell asleep for a short time really early so the regular morning nap was much shorter. Reenergized, we went back down for lunch and were supposed to go out for a playdate this afternoon but it didn't work out. I realize more and more every day this is very common when dealing with babies and toddlers, whether it's us or the friends. We even ran out for a late playdate in the early evening, but that one didn't work out either. There are never hard feelings though. There's this unspoken, new level of understanding between mothers and I totally get it now. We all face the same challenges at one time or another. It's like an undisclosed society that I'm now a part of! Sounds like a cult kinda but very, very true. Having a baby has (re)connected me with so many new and old great friends and am so grateful. But that's another subject on it's own! We ended up taking a walk around our neighborhood, which I should have never attempted once I felt how windy it was. But desperate for fresh air, I kept going. He was fine at first, but became an ugly return home. We settled down inside as we pet CB and I nursed him. I knew he was completely fine when he stopped nursing to take a quick break and steal a piece of my cheese! Little monster. 

Before I had Graham, I learned so much from my now 3 year old niece and 2 year old twin cousins. I had an understanding and know how which made me feel a lot more confident and prepared than other new moms I speak to. But there is still so much that is left unsaid that you just have to learn as you go. Even still, I am realizing that many challenges are not as discussed. My biggest challenge used to be feeling as though he would never allow me to just put him down. Sure he still has days/moments like that, but ever since he could sit up on his own and now that he can crawl everywhere and anywhere at lightning speed, everything is so much easier in a sense. I am amazed at the stretches of time he can entertain himself and go after when he wants. Now my big challenge, is keeping him calm throughout a meal. And just my luck, everyone I speak to never experienced this, so we'll just have to figure this one out on our own too! I snuck quinoa into his avocado for lunch today. Now that quinoa wasn't the main ingredient he ate it. The other day, he screamed everytime it touched his mouth--it was the 1st food he'd ever protested! He also had his 1st whole hard boiled egg this morning for breakfast. Pretty confident he's not allergic to the whites! :) Strawberries and peanut butter are next! Got a great suggestion to sneak the pb into banana. 

Without question, this evening was my favorite part of the day. I put my "upbeat" station on nice and loud and danced around while making him dinner -- dark meat chicken w/ evoo, s&p, garlic and zaatar w/ jasmine rice. It was cooking, he was crawling all over the house, I was dancing, he was smiling at me, I assembled CB's new outdoor bed w/ Graham's help, we danced together...it was perfect. Dancing and music has become his band-aid and cureall for everything. The music is almost always playing in our house and it was planned that way. DM and I grew up with music around us and was such a big part of our lives and it was important to us that Graham have the same connection. Going to concerts, listening & singing in the car with parents, and in the house too. It was everywhere. When we nap together it's on, when we eat, play and cook, it's on. We listed to oldies, pop, showtunes, hiphop, indie, dance, classical, you name it. Cypress Hill came on, and just when I thought he couldn't smile any bigger or be any happier, he lit up! I scooped him up so fast and did what we were told -- JUMP AROUND! It was hilarious and so much fun! My stamina is a little depressing, so I couldn't last the entire song, but it was great while he lasted, and he looked dizzy by the time I stopped anyway! The dinner was an instant new favorite for him. I am so glad because it's so easy and one of our faves too. The fresh mango and raspberries couldn't make it into his mouth fast enough. His eyes widened more and more every time I put an indulgent chunk of juicy mango in his mouth. I had to say no more once again. He could just keep eating. I am grateful for his food enthusiasm and eagerness to eat, but wish he could scale back just a little. I've started saying "shhhh, calm down" when he starts huffing and puffing between bites. It works, but only for a second. 

To end the day, I broke my own promise again and have been letting him crawl around naked before his bath (*but ONLY in the bathroom!). Oooooh that tushy! He pulled himself up on the tub for the first time (outside of the tub where it wasn't wet or slippery) and I was nervous at first, but he impressed me when he repeatedly sat down slowly! Proud then and proud always, I am Graham's mother and he is mine.

*update: this never ever happens. guess i have to sleep on the couch tonight??

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